SATIRE written by Andre Salerno

What could one do with a hair of Frederic Church? Sell it on ebay? Display it in the household? Mr. Hale had bigger ideas.

CLEVELAND, OH - It didn't take long for Henry Hale to realize he had found his favorite painting. An avid art collector for most of his life, Mr. Hale had always been a fan of Frederic Church. What patron of Hudson River School art is not? But when Hale, with the eye of an experienced connoisseur and the wallet of a successful entrepreneur, set his sights on Church's revered masterpiece Twilight in the Wilderness, he decided he wanted it in his living room. And he would not take no for an answer.

"No," said the Cleveland Art Museum's curator.
Such esteemed works in the art world are viewed as "priceless," and are often loaned to museums by individuals lucky enough to have acquired them before they were considered so valuable as to not be buyable or had them handed down as family heirlooms.
Ever the persistent business man, Mr. Hale made an offer that couldn't be refused. $200 million.

Again, he was refused.
Growing persistently more agitated, the art lover upped the ante. He was willing to hand over $300 million for the piece. An astronomical offer, even for such a world renowned painting.

But it seems the piece was simply not meant to reside in the Hale family living room. The museum, however reluctantly, warded off the huge offers. Not everyone in the museum staff was in support of the decision. Some board members voted to accept the deal, acquire several new works and move on. But ultimately, the majority vote was for the painting to stay, virtually dooming Mr. Hale's efforts.

The museum did, however, grant the investment banker special privileges for his effort- and a few extra dollars out of his pocket. Mr. Hale requested special access to view the painting after hours, where he could sit and reflect on the beauty of the piece. Soon after, he made a discovery that changed his life.

"I was inspecting the piece closely with a magnifying glass, marveling at Church's intricate brush strokes, when I saw it. At first I thought it was the tiny bristle of a paint brush. I thought, "how great would it be to own the bristle of a brush wielded by the great Frederic Church,' so I made my move."

He snatched the paint brush bristle from off of the painting. Well aware that merely touching the surface of the piece could have him banned from the museum forever, preventing him from ever seeing the painting he loved so much again, he was cautious to not get caught.

"The security guard had a semi-comatose look about him, probably due to the late hour as the museum had been closed for some time, so I simply pinched the bristle and pulled it off the canvas, without so much as leaving a mark on the surface."

Call it the perfect crime. After being examined by one of Mr. Hale's doctor friends, the discovery was made that this "bristle" was indeed not a bristle at all. It was instead a piece of human hair. But who's hair could it be?

"Right away my mind began running wild. Could it be a piece of Church's hair? No, perhaps it's just an art handler's or the museum curator's. I didn't want to get my hopes up."

Sure enough, scientists later determined through the use of DNA matching that the hair did indeed belong to Frederic Edwin Church. Fascinating as that may be, what could one do with a hair of Frederic Church? Sell it on ebay? Display it in the household? Mr. Hale had bigger ideas.

He cloned it.
Using DNA from the strand of hair, an actual human clone of Frederic Church has been conceived. Due to potential legal and ethical issues that may arise from the cloning of a human baby, his name and whereabouts are being withheld. The only known information of the young boy, who is believed to be nearly five years old now, is that he is being kept under close observation in a remote Siberian outpost known for its cloning of sheep and other farm animals.

Once U.S. authorities got wind of the experiment and pursued Mr. Hale for possible conspiracy charges, he was forced to leave the country. This information from this story has been obtained via a series of letters, as his whereabouts are currently unknown.

The young clone is showing artistic promise, however. According to Hale, the boy has produced several large scale oil on canvas paintings depicting various natural scenes based on the original Church's work.

"I commissioned a reproduction of Twilight in the Wilderness. I sit and stare at it for hours- it's that good," says Hale.

"And it didn't cost me $300 million. In fact, all it took was a box of gummy bears and some chocolate milk."

Now that's a lucrative investment...

UPDATE: Questroyal Fine Art, LLC, the leading Hudson River School gallery, is said to be negotiating a deal with Hale to adopt the young Church child. When contacted, a Questroyal representative said "we have removed hair and skin samples from the works of prominent painters Heade, Gifford, Durand and Cole and are presently constructing a nursery."